A Couple of (Not so) Shocking Rejections

As I have done in the past, I like to post rejected material here so it can still be read. Below are two short story scripts for a British publication. 

The first, which is titled "Parallel Intersections" from last year, suffered from too many ideas getting crammed into a four page plot. I had two ideas with the same basic idea but could not decide on the twist ending, so I decided (ill advisedly) to put them together and let the two narratives play off of each other. I often wonder if I went with one story if it would have had more impact and if so, which one?

The other, titled "Boy Meets Girl...," is from earlier this year.  In fact I had no idea until I started putting together this blog that they were written exactly one year apart. This second tale takes the romantic structure of "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back" but puts it in a darker more dangerous scenario. This one was probably not sci-fi enough for the publication. If you strip out the SF elements it could have taken place today. Or heck, even 100 years ago. Either way, I feel like it is probably the stronger of the two scripts.

I hope you enjoy them (or if you are an aspiring writer, learn from my mistakes).



ORIGINAL SCRIPT: "Parallel Intersections"
Short Story Script by Brett Harris
4 pages, Final Draft: 18th February 2017

PAGE ONE

Note: The page is divided horizontally across the center with a thick black line to separate the narratives. Three panels above the line and three below. The TOP narrative is very retro sci-fi hard edges with buttons and dials, futuristic but with a vague feeling of analogue instead of digital. The BOTTOM narrative is just the opposite. Sleek and streamlined with smooth touch screen panels.

1/ We see a soldier/astronaut.  She is a black woman in a suspended animation tube (kind of like the ones from Aliens). Through the clear hatch, we can see her face and her eyes are closed.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER) 1: As I start to rouse from

     hyper sleep, the mission parameters come rushing back

     to me.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER) 2: We were going to end the

     war with our new prototype weapon that would stop their 
     machines.

2/ The same basic panel but now her eyes are open and she looks worried.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER) 1: The ship was going to

     glide in orbit powered down, then power up and deliver

     the pay load.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER) 2: The fact that I'm awake

     tells me something went wrong. I was a last resort.

3/ The soldier is out of the tube in front of a closed door putting on a space suit. It's something flexible but with a domed helmet and air supply.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): The sensors tell me large

     parts of the ship have been compromised. I decide it's

     safer to suit up. I have to succeed.

4/ We are now on another ship, with a different soldier. This time, a white male. There is an open tube near him. He is dressing in simple fatigues.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): Their ship tried to glide

     in and sneak past our sensors. Luckily our sleeper

     defense ship was already in orbit.

5/ The second soldier is exiting the room.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): If I've been activated it

     means there must have been a battle and the ship has

     taken damage --

6/ A close up of the second soldier's inscrutable face.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): -- and my job just got a          
     little harder.

PAGE TWO

Note: The page, like the previous page, is divided horizontally across the center with a thick black line to separate the narratives. Three panels above the line and three below.

1/ Close up on the first soldier, a look of horror on her face.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): This is why Mars uses     
     androids for most of their combat. Some think there     
      are no humans left on their side.

2/ We reverse angle to an over the shoulder angle to reveal three dead bodies floating in zero g. One is an Asian male with the flag of Japan on his sleeve. Another is a white female and we can see the U.K. flag patch on her shoulder. The third is a black man with a Nigerian flag on his uniform. In the background we can see three doors. There is scorching on the walls to indicate damage.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): I don't have time to mourn    
     my ship mates. I'm the last chance to win the war and    
     I have to keep going.

3/ The first soldier is now working some switches at the opposite end center door.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): The door to the bridge is      
     not operational. I have to over-ride to get through --

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): -- and I have to get      
     through if I'm going to save the Earth.

4/ A high shot of the second soldier, a broken bridge that stretches over a huge machine that is sparking with electrical energy. It would have connected the door he just exited to another door at the other end. A trio broken and smashed android bodies can be seen. They should look kind of like the endoskeleton of the Terminator.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): The engineering droids have
     been smashed, as well as the only way to the     
     command center. I have to get there to defend my world.

5/ The second soldier leaping across the gap in the bridge.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): Luckily the gravity seems         
     twenty-five percent of normal. Low enough to make the leap.

6/ The second soldier is using his hand print on a panel next to the door.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): Almost there. The Earth       
     will learn that the new regime on Mars will be free        
     and safe from their attacks.

PAGE THREE

Note: The page, like the previous pages, is divided horizontally across the center with a thick black line to separate the narratives. Three panels above the line and three below. The three panels are two half page panels each with an inset in the top left and bottom right of the panel.

1/ Is inset in the top left corner of panel 2. It is a close-up of the shocked face of the first soldier.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): Oh, God!

2/ Reverse angle to reveal the first soldier being sucked toward a big gaping hole in the forward section of the bridge. It has clearly been hulled in combat. Empty space lies beyond.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): The decompression is      
     pulling me out!

3/ The inset in the bottom left corner of panel 2. We can see her gloved hand just missing the edge of twisted metal at edge of the hole.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): No! I have to complete 
     the mission!

4/ Is inset in the top left corner of panel 2. It is a close-up of face of the second soldier. His eyes are wide both otherwise inscrutable.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): Sensors were wrong.

5/ Reverse angle to reveal the second soldier also being sucked toward a big gaping hole in the forward section of the command center. It has also clearly been hulled in combat. Again empty space lies beyond.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): I have to destroy the    
     Earthlings!

6/ The inset in the bottom left corner of panel 2. We can see his face hitting edge of twisted metal at edge of the hole.

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): No!

PAGE FOUR

1/ A single panel page of the two soldiers battling in the vacuum of space. They are a twisted knot of limbs grabbing and punching at each other. The second soldier's human face as been ripped off to reveal a robot face underneath. In the background we can see the two ships in the distance. They are both battered and in ruins.

     FIRST SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): I'll have to destroy this

     machine before I run out of air! For Earth and

     humanity!

     SECOND SOLDIER (VOICE OVER): I have to destroy the   
     human before I run out of power! For Mars and machine

     independence!

CAPTION: FIN.


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ORIGINAL SCRIPT: "Boy Meets Girl..."
Short Story Script by Brett Harris
4 pages, Final Draft: 19th February 2018

PAGE ONE

This is a five panel page (including the first panel which is a solid black panel with white reverse text running across the top of the page).

1/ A solid black horizontal panel across the whole page with reverse white letters that say: "BOY MEETS GIRL...". No other text.

2/ Establishing shot of a modern/futuristic business building in downtown London. To help sell a future vibe we can see a flying yellow taxi cab in the sky or perhaps a flying red bus.

     OLIVIA (FROM BUILDING) 1: Amelia! Welcome back!

3/ Inside the business office. A typical set up of cubical work spaces. Olivia is hugging Amelia. Both are attractive young women with the look of business professionals. Olivia is black, while Amelia is a blonde Caucasian. People in the backgrounds are working on computers with holographic monitors and are a mix of male/female and ethnic backgrounds.

     AMELIA: I wish I could say I'm glad to be back.

     OLIVIA: We acquired some great new additions while

     you were on holiday.

4/ Olivia gesturing toward three workers. They are at Jackson's cubical. He's nebbish looking, middle aged, and balding, with spectacles. He has a look of "future middle manager." His holographic monitor has a newspaper article with a headline that reads "Body found on east end." In smaller type: "Laser blade believed to be murder weapon." Isabella is next, she is a young Asian lady holding two cups of coffee. She has the look of an over worked executive secretary. Last is Ava, another professional looking lady, she is the oldest with dark hair with some dignified gray or silver highlights. She is holding a tennis ball size box that is projecting a small holographic pie chart.

     OLIVIA 1: This is Jackson our new assistant to Human

     Resources.

     OLIVIA 2: That is Isabella, the boss's new assistant.

     OLIVIA 3: And last is Ava a statistician we stole from     

     Yamaguchi Corporation.

5/ Amelia looking friendly and exited.

     AMELIA 1: Oh, it is a pleasure! I'm Olivia's partner

     in the Marketing Department.

     AMELIA 2: We absolutely must go out this evening after

     work so I can get to know you.

PAGE TWO

This is a four panel page.

1/ Amelia in the foreground dancing with Charlie, a handsome but oily gentleman. He looks like he has over done his spray tan to create the illusion of Latino or Sicilian. Hair slicked back. Pencil thin mustache. Tacky but not unattractive. In the background at a table: Isabella looks annoyed. Olivia is having a drink. Jackson looks jealous and Ava looks disinterested reading a holographic bar graph from her stat box.

     ISABELLA: "We absolutely must go out this evening

     after work so I can get to know you." Pfffth!

     OLIVIA: Oh, when you go out with Amelia, she will find

     fun, but not much in the way of meaningful conversation.

2/ Amelia, taking a shot of whiskey, Charlie, smiling and looking friendly, is carefully trying to balance three more. They are at the table with Amelia's office mates.

     CHARLIE: Another shot, Love. I'll call a cab to fly us     

     home.

3/ Charlie, anxious to leave, is now pulling Amelia by the arm toward the door. She looks pretty drunk.

     CHARLIE: Come on, Love. Can't be higher than the taxi

     can we?

4/ The quartet of office workers at the table. Olivia looks heavy lidded. She's had too much to drink. Isabella looks worried. Jackson looks angry and (again) Ava still looks disinterested looking at her holographic display from her stat box.

     ISABELLA: Amelia, do you think it's a good idea to    

     leave?

     AVA: No. Wait. Stop.

     ISABELLA: Too late. She's out the door.

PAGE THREE

 

This is a six panel page (including the second panel which is a solid black panel with white reverse text running across the page).

1/ Outside the club. The neighborhood does not look as upscale as their office or even the inside of the club would allow you to believe. Not much in the way of foot traffic or vehicles. The quartet are at the door. Isabella is holding Olivia up. Charlie and Amelia are already a good distance away in the background.

     ISABELLA: You should stay with us, Amelia!

     OLIVIA: Amelia, shoo be wif ussss.

2/ A solid black horizontal panel across the whole page with reverse white letters that say: "... BOY LOSES GIRL...". No other text.

3/ Charlie, not looking as friendly as before, is pulling a drunk Amelia by the arm.

     AMELIA: Whesh, tha cab, Baby?

     CHARLIE: This way. It's a short cut.

4/ Charlie and Amelia in a dark alley. If possible it's even more creepy than the main street was. Amelia is pushing away from a sinister looking Charlie.

     AMELIA: No! Thish, ishn't right.

5/ Amelia falling as she tries to get away from Charlie, who now has a knife in his hand.

     AMELIA: No!

     CHARLIE: Get back here!

6/ Looking up from Amelia's angle (but not necessarily her POV) Charlie looks big and scary wielding the blade and total darkness all around and behind him.

     CHARLIE: They'll be reading about my work tomorrow on

     the webs.

PAGE FOUR

This is a six panel page (including the last panel which is a solid black panel with white reverse text running across the page).

1/ Same as last panel on previous page but now Charlie has a confused look on his face, perhaps with a trickle of blood coming down the corner of his mouth.

     CHARLIE: Urk!?

2/ Similar as the last two panels. Charlie, eyes rolled back in his head, is sinking out of frame to reveal kindly nebbish Jackson.

3/ Amelia hugging Jackson.

     AMELIA: Oh, thank you, Johnson.

     JACKSON: It's Jackson actually.

4/ Amelia looking at Jackson appreciatively.

     AMELIA: What a creep, Jack. Can I buy you a drink to       

     thank you?

     JACKSON: I should thank you. I can't stand copy cats.

5/ Amelia's POV Jackson looking downright evil as he holds up a glowing green laser knife.

6/ A solid black horizontal panel across the bottom of the page with reverse white letters that say: "... BOY GETS GIRL BACK". No other text. End.

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If you are glutton for punishment and would like to read the short stories that were rejected for the MillarWorld Annuals in 2016 and 2017 you can read them here and here.